Raising Kids in the 21st Century

I want to start out by saying raising kids at anytime is/was no walk in the park. It is down right hard! Lets talk about the parent I am today compared to the parent I was 3 years ago.

At the end of 2020, I took a look at our family and found I felt bad about my relationship with my kids.

Yes, my children were loved and knew it!

Yes, my children were shown affection!

However, my children (ages 7 & 4 at the time) were beginning to fear me.

They were nervous about making a mistake or what mood I was in because when I got upset I would yell at them, tell them how they needed to do better, etc... But really it was not them that needed to better it was me. Children inherently what to receive praise and approval from their parents, when they do not do as they are asked or are not listening, I bet 90% of the time it is due to a 'good reason'.

I know you may be thinking that 'whether their pants got put on before or after their socks' is not a good reason to not put their pants on but in their little worlds it is. They only control a small part of their world as children so those parts become the most important parts, which makes their reasons 'good' in their mind. When we start to consider that and try to put ourselves in their world we can start to understand where they are coming from. Now this does not make the behaviour acceptable but what it can do is spark a conversation about why and how they feel and and what they can do with those feelings. I also, I found when I put myself into their world and gained understanding I reacted in a softer way because I could see that they were not trying to upset me.

This understanding became very important in our household when our youngest was diagnosed with extreme anxiety to the point that at 6 years old she was placed on medication for it. Getting mad & yelling at her only made her anxiety worse and created a larger reaction from her. In an effort to find a way to parent this little girl with so much hurt in her mind, I took the Circle of Security Course.

Through the course and being mindful I also found when I started to understand why they reacted the way they did it made me question why I was reacting the way I did. This is where I realized I needed to work on my triggers so that I could support them with theirs. In the course they call this shark music:

After I started to ensure I was regulated before I offered support to my girls I noticed a big shift in how I reacted to them. Now, this isn't easy and it took therapy, this course, many introspective moments and even medication to help me get to a place where I could be mindful in these moments. If you are interested in this course below is their website and local organizations such as earlyON and others often run the program.

With a good parenting strategy in our household our relationships with our girls started to improve in so many ways. I no longer saw the fear in their faces when I started to yell (because my yelling decreased significantly), they became more open to talk to us about things. In fact my oldest took some money one day and even before I noticed she came to me in tears and told me that she had taken and spent it. With the guilt, I could see she was feeling, I did not even have to discipline her. Instead, we just had a calm conversation about why she felt the need to take it and that stealing is not something we do. She has not taken anything without asking since.

Reading that you may think wow they have got it figured out, first of all we will never truly have it figured out. But, we now find ourselves in the pre-teen years, which brings a whole new set of worries navigating teaching a young adult in todays world. With current technology that means we have to try and understand all of the social media apps, games, etc... so that we can choose what is safe. On top of that we feel that one of the most important lessons today is online and social media behaviour.

From a Forbes Article:

Consider the following surprising cyberbullying statistics from DoSomething.org:

• 27% of kids admitted to doing or saying something cruel to someone else online.

• Approximately 37% of kids ages 12 through 17 have been the target of cyberbullying.

• 50% of LGBTQ+ kids have been bullied online.

• 60% of kids have witnessed cyberbullying (and most ignore it).

• Girls are more likely to be both the perpetrators and victims of cyberbullying.

• Only one out of 10 kids will tell their parents they’ve been bullied.

The article continues to indicate that 50% of tweens have been exposed to inappropriate content.

In addition to this there is also the fact that anything online will follow you forever, something you post at 12 years-old could affect your ability to get a job as an adult.

One may say well we just do not allow our child to participate in social media or we have extreme parental controls on. My question to that would be: what happens when they are no longer a child? Do they have the knowledge to navigate the world of social media and online presence in a way that is both productive and safe? Also in this scenario how do you give your child confidence that you trust them and that they can act without direct oversight from their parents?

This is the approach we have taken:

We have parental controls set so they cannot accidentally make an online purchase and they cannot download apps, games, etc... without discussing it with us first.

However, we do not track everything they are doing and we do respect our children's privacy on messaging friends. We depend on that our children have accepted the morals we have taught them and that they use them in these aspects too.

When a new app or game is desired we research it first so that we fully understand the implications and if we agree it is ok we help with the setup so that the settings provide privacy protection.

One thing we have fully controlled is we do not allow them to post anything online with out discussing with us so we can insure it does not include video, pictures or sensitive information. Although, even for this, it is something we have just taught them is a rule and why that rule is in place. So far they seem to understand and respect it.

We also ensure to continually have conversations about what concerns we have with social media and what that means to them. We discuss the news when it is about what someone posted online and how it has or can negatively affect their lives.

With that all said, it is a scary world out their and we are all just doing our best to provide a safe space for our children to grow up in. I am not saying that the way we are doing it is the only right way, my intention is, if you are struggling these are the things we have figured out so far.

Number one thing that has help make parenting easier for me is that if you treat your child as a person and give them the respect you would give anyone else, they seem to do the same in return. With the caveate that they are still children and children are inherently self-centered.